


Athazagoraphobia

by BarnesBabyDoll



Series: Phobia [1]
Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-12
Updated: 2019-02-12
Packaged: 2019-10-26 21:24:20
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,544
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17753738
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BarnesBabyDoll/pseuds/BarnesBabyDoll
Summary: The Fear of ForgettingThe Fear of Being Forgotten





	Athazagoraphobia

Her hand is so small in mine. Her skin is warm and soft and just as I remember. The slow rise and fall of her chest should bring me comfort. I suppose it would if she didn’t also have a tube down her throat. They tell me she’ll be fine, that she’ll wake up in time, but there’s no way to know how long it’ll take. There’s no sound in the room aside from the beeping of the machines and the pumping ventilator.

_“Soldat, this is (Y/N).”_

I remember the fear in her eyes, and at the time I thought it was me she was afraid of.

_“We’re giving her to you.”_

It was like they were giving me a pet. They made me responsible for her, gave me freedom I didn’t have before her. She was a soft light through the darkness.

_“Come on,_ Зима _. Please?”_

_“You have to stay here.”_

_“But I can help.”_

_“You’re not ready to be in the field. Maybe next time.”_

_“Promise?”_

_“As long as you promise to stay out of trouble while I’m gone.”_

_“I promise.”_

She smiled, her eyes bright with hope. I should have taken her with me. Maybe she would have been okay.

A soft knock on the door pulls me out of my silent reverie. Steve comes in, sympathy clear in his face.

“It’s been two days, Buck.”

“I’ll wait here for two weeks if I have to.”

He sighs, picking up a chair and setting it down beside me before taking a seat.

“Who is she?” he asks.

“She was my everything when I had nothing. I didn’t know what to think of her when they gave her to me. I trained her, taught her everything I knew. At first, it was like a having pet, and then it was like having a child. Then... well, I wasn’t supposed to fall in love with her.”

“So what happened?”

“I left on a mission. She asked to come with me, but I told her she needed to stay, made her promise to stay out of trouble. All I wanted to do was protect her. Everything was fine until I started asking for her. They put me in that chair, strapped me down.” I caress the back of her hand with my thumb, “When they brought her out, she had a black eye. Her face was swollen. She had no fight left in her when they sat her across from me. They wiped me in front of her. I can still hear her begging them to not to do it. She blamed herself.” When I finally look at him, I find him staring at her face with a complex expression twisting his features, “They put me back under, and when I woke up she was gone, not that it mattered. I mean, my memory of her was gone until a couple of years ago. Even then, I thought she was dead.” I turn my attention back to her, giving her hand a gentle squeeze, “I just want her to wake up. I want to make things right.”

“I won’t ask you to leave her, but I did bring you a change of clothes and some other stuff I thought you might need.”

I smile, patting his back with my free hand, “Thanks, pal.”

“Go change.” He says, gesturing to the small duffel bag by the door, “I’ll keep an eye on her.”

I nod, standing and taking up the bag from the floor. Even though I know the odds of her waking up while I’m gone are slim to none, I still hesitate at the door. I spare one more glance to her sleeping face before finally leaving the room.

* * *

After a week, we arranged for a cot to be put her room. Every night, Steve spends about thirty minutes with her while I get cleaned up.

After a month, it seems like everyone around me is starting to give up hope. I can’t give up on her.

I need to know what she remembers. I need to know what they told her. I need her to know that what happened was not her fault. Above everything, I need her to know that I loved her, that I  _love_  her.

The heart monitor begins to scream as her heart rate proceeds to climb. My first thought is that I’m losing her. I stand at her side, leaning down so that my lips are beside her ear, and I beg her not to leave me. Then her eyes open and she’s gasping around the ventilator tube. I try to keep her calm as doctors and nurses flood the room.

Even though she’s looking at me, I’m not sure she’s actually seeing me. Her eyes stay on me as I’m pushed from the room.

* * *

It’s been a week, and they still won’t let me see her.

A meeting’s been called. Everyone sits in their usual seats around the large conference table. Bruce is the last to join us as he’s accompanying Helen; they’ve both taken responsibility for (Y/N)’s care. She gives Steve a small stack of files. He takes one and sends the rest around the table. I’m the last to get one; (Y/N)’s name is printed on the edge.

“The files you’ve been given contain everything I’m about to show you along with the transcripts over every evaluation she’s undergone in the last two days and the results of all medical exams.”

Natasha picks up the tablet that sits on the table in front of her and taps a few buttons before a projection comes up at the front of the room. (Y/N)’s picture takes up half the screen while the other half is dominated by her information.

“Everyone, I’d like you to meet (Y/N) (Y/M/N) (Y/L/N). Born in a military hospital in Spain on _____, 1969. Biologically, she’s 49, physically 24. (Hair Color). (Eye Color). (Height) inches tall and weighing approximately (Weight) pounds.” The slide changes to a picture of the facility she was recovered from. “A month and a half ago, she was found in a state of cryogenic sleep in this HYDRA facility in France. After comparing her blood to that of both Captain Rogers and Sergeant Barnes, it is apparent that she has a trace amount of the altered serum in her system. FRIDAY, the light please.” The room darkens as the image on the screen shifts, “This is the first interview, conducted a few hours after she first woke up. Her voice is soft and little hoarse. Refer to transcript number one if necessary.”

The video starts, the camera focused on (Y/N)’s face.

_“Do you know your name?”_

She nods. _“(Y/N).”_

_“My name is Natasha. I just need to ask you a few questions. Is that okay?”_

(Y/N) nods again.

_“Do you know where you are?”_

_“They tell me I’m in New York.”_

_“That’s right. What can you tell me about yourself?”_

(Y/N) shakes her head and shrugs her shoulders.

_“It’s okay if you don’t remember. (Y/N), I want to show you some pictures. Would that be okay?”_

_“What kind of pictures?”_

_“Scenery. People. Some things that might help jog your memory.”_

_“Okay.”_

The first picture is shown to the camera – a snowy scene with the Siberian facility in the distance – before being passed to (Y/N).

_“Do you know what you’re looking at?”_

_“Siberia. The building looks familiar.”_

_“Good. How about this one?”_

It’s a wide-shot of the inside of the facility. (Y/N) visibly flinches as she takes the picture. She stares at it in silence for a moment before turning it face down on the bed.

_“And this one?”_

It’s an image of the chair, the very thing that played a part in our separation.

_“I remember.”_

Her voice has fallen to a whisper, fear and recognition clear on her face.

_“Okay. Do you know this man?”_

Even I don’t remember his name, but I know he was there. He was always there. (Y/N) looks confused as she shakes her head.

_“And this one?”_

Karpov.

Fear takes her over again, and she refuses to even touch the picture. The beeping of her heart monitor begins to speed up as does the rise and fall of her chest.

_“Okay.”_ Natasha tears the picture in half and tosses it to the floor,  _“Take a deep breath. It’s okay.”_  (Y/N) nods, tears now filling her eyes,  _“Just two more.”_

It’s me, but it’s a recent picture.

_“He was there when I woke up.”_

_“He was. Okay. Last one.”_

It’s a picture of me as the soldier, as the man she called…

_“_ Зима. _Winter.”_  She snatches the picture from Natasha’s hands and holds it tight,  _“He’s alive. He was here.”_

_“He is here.”_

_“Can I see him?”_

_“Not yet but you will soon. I promise.”_

_“Can I keep these?”_

(Y/N) picks up the other picture of me and sets it atop the first.

_“Of course.”_

The screen goes black, and the lights come back up.

“As you can see, she recalled quite a bit more than expected. She was given some time to rest after this, and her physical evaluation was complete. She’s completely healthy, and her mind is recovering quickly. The second interview, conducted two days later, covers the circumstances of her capture as well as her connection to the Winter Soldier.”

(Y/N)’s sitting cross-legged on her hospital bed across from Natasha. They’re playing some kind of card game.

_“How are you feeling today?”_

_“I’m okay.”_

_“You certainly sound better.”_

_“They say my throat is almost healed.”_

_“Do you mind answering some more questions for me?”_

(Y/N) looks up at Natasha,  _“What kind of questions?”_

_“About your relationship with Winter and the circumstances of your capture.”_

(Y/N) bites her lip and fiddles with the cards in her hands before nodding,  _“Okay.”_

_“Let’s start with how you ended up with HYDRA.”_

_“I had just started a new job as a secretary for some tech company. It was early 1989; I was almost twenty. I left work late one night. The last thing I remember before waking up in that place was walking into my apartment.”_ She seems lost in thought, her gaze distant as she continues her story,  _“During my first year there, Vasily took care of me.”_

_“Vasily Karpov?”_

_“Yes.”_

_“And when you say he took care of you, what do you mean?”_

_“Looking back, I guess you could say it resembled the way a father cares for his child. Oddly enough, he made me feel safe.”_

_“How did you come to meet Winter?”_

_“Vasily gave me to him.”_

_“Gave you to him?”_

_“He told me that it was so I could be trained, but Winter took over my care after that. At first, he was like a brother to me, but by the end of that first year…”_

_“It was more than that, wasn’t it?”_

(Y/N) shrugs,  _“I loved him. The day we were separated was the hardest day of my life.”_

_“Tell me about that.”_

_“He’d gone on a mission. I wanted to go with him. I thought I was ready, but he didn’t so he told me to stay. He made me promise to stay out of trouble while he was gone, but once he was gone, Vasily had me tortured.”_

_“Do you know why?”_

_“He said the Soldier was too attached, that he needed to learn a lesson. He just never explained what that lesson was. They sat us across from each other.”_ She wipes at the tears that fall slowly down her cheeks,  _“They turned on that machine. I tried everything to make them stop. I told them it was my fault. Vasily agreed, but he said that hearing Winter’s screams while they erased me from his memory was my punishment.”_

_“Do you remember anything else after that?”_

_“Only a sharp pain in my neck. Then I woke up in this bed.”_

Natasha nods her head and sets her hand of cards down,  _“Thank you, (Y/N), for confiding in me. I know it must be difficult to talk about all of this.”_

_“You have kind eyes, and…”_ (Y/N) meets Natasha’s gaze steadily and smiles, “ _I trust you.”_

The screen goes black once again, and Natasha turns to look at me. Everyone else’s gazes follow.

“Bucky,” she says, “I’m hoping you can fill in the blanks.”

“There’s nothing to tell. She was taken away from me in every way possible. I only started to remember her a couple of years ago; even then, I never expected her to still be alive.”

“Is there anything else?” Steve asks, breaking the tense silence that’s formed.

“One more video, taken when she sent for me yesterday.”

The video starts as she speaks.

_“I was told you wanted to see me.”_

_“You know, I’ve spent the last couple of days staring at these pictures. While my head understands that they’re the same person, I truly only recognize one of them.”_ (Y/N) picks up the image of the Winter Soldier,  _“I know him, but that’s not him anymore. Is it? Does this new version of him not want to see me? Is that why everyone keeps saying that I can’t see him?”_

Natasha, in an attempt to keep (Y/N)’s gaze on her, takes (Y/N)’s face in her hands as she begins to cry.

_“He has been here every day trying to get in here. He gets the same answers as you.”_

_“I just want to see him before I forget again. I don’t want to forget. I don’t want to be forgotten.”_

She begins sobbing, and Natasha pulls her into her arms,  _“Tomorrow. I don’t care what anyone says.”_

The room is silent as the video ends. My left hand is fisted against my knee. My eyes zero in on the image on her attached to the open file that sits in front of me.

I look up at Steve when he calls my name.

“Go.” He says with a nod of his head.

Before anyone can say anything else, I’m on my feet and moving as fast as I can to the medical floor, opting for the stairs over the elevator. Several people shout at me to stop, telling me that I can’t go into her room. I nearly knock a hole in the wall as I shove the door open.

She watches me with weary eyes as I close the space between us. She rises to her knees at the edge of the bed, cautiously reaching her hands up to touch my face.

“Зима…” she whispers.

“Everyone calls me Bucky now.”

She smiles, “Bucky. That’s going to take some getting used to.”

“We’ve got time.” I reply, tucking her hair gently behind her ear, “I never thought I’d see you again.”

“I never thought you’d remember me.”

“But I did, and I swear I’m never going to forget you again.”

I hold her face between my hands, my thumb dangerously close to her lips. Her hands move to rest against the sides of my neck in the moment before she raises those lips to meet mine.


End file.
